[there's... so much of what's going on is for Emerald's benefit; she's not dumb and she knows that coincidences don't usually work in her favor. but Chandra isn't calling attention to it. she doesn't need Emerald to know that it's for her. that's different. in a good way, she thinks; there's feelings of warmth and safety coming through, slowly but surely.]
I only really do social drinking anyway. It's not really a good idea for me to drink alone. [because of a few things. but there was definitely a reason the only two people here who had or would see her really drunk were the people she trusted the most out of the ones she'd met so far.] And this is about as social as I'm gonna get, I guess. Hope you're ready for some bleak shit.
[Chandra plunks down, and begins pouring out a cup. To the brim.
And then another.]
I'm ready for whatever you have to tell me. I've...seen some pretty bleak shit myself. I'll spare you the gory details though. I don't want to give you nightmares.
[probably for the best. Emerald bites back the comment about how she already had nightmares and takes her glass, carefully raising it to her lips. taking a slow draw without waiting for any kind of toast or anything like that, she swallows and speaks. and she wants it to be more dramatic, but she's not there yet.]
I owe everything I am today to Cinder. And I know I told you that already, but... [her face twists, not at the wine but at what she's saying. how the words are still too hard to come by. and she exhales.]
Sorry. I don't think I can start yet. It's... too much and I'm thinking about it too much. We should talk about something else first.
[her free hand goes up to her mouth and feels her teeth through her lips. it still feels unnatural to her touch, but it hasn't really gotten in the way of much yet, mercifully.]
It feels like they don't fit right in my mouth. Which, I mean, they don't, but... I don't know. It's weird having to feel it in reality instead of just as a dream. [she punctuates that with another drink from her cup. she'll need to do that more and faster if she actually wants to get to the stuff she needs to talk about.]
Back home I can make people think my body looks like whatever I want it to. Now it's totally out of my control. That's weird, too. [she's eloquent.] I don't like it.
{Chandra is a little slower with her own cup. But downs a bit of it, watching Emerald talk.]
That would be unusual. I've never done transformative magic, myself. And I'm terrible at glamours. But I imagine that if it's something you do often, that's really troublesome.
[No shit, Chandra.]
I could maybe see about trying to enchant a belt for you to hide the changes?
It's fine. Don't worry about it. [she waves her hand and shakes her head while she sets her cup down, brief though she knows it'll end up being.]
I'll still be able to feel them, and if... I don't know, if some more Dorchacht crap happens, I want them to know that a Monster is making their lives hell. I don't want them thinking it's one of their own.
[she leans forward and picks up her cup again, and says one more thing before taking another drink.] I want them to know it's the people they thought they could crush coming back and fucking all of them up.
[normally that would've been concerning, the thought of modifying herself with magic like that, but as she'd grown to know Chandra she'd become much more comfortable with the idea. especially if it means... safety. protection. however that manifests. heh, she kind of sounds like a badass, doesn't she? talking like this. it feels... comfortable again.]
I hope it doesn't, but I don't think we're gonna be that lucky. I don't think Dorchacht is done with us. And we still have the Cwyldtid out there, too... but at least I know where I can go to stay warm this winter. [assuming they have winter here. she looks up at Chandra and there's a hint of a smile.]
[Chandra waves a lazy hand towards the fire and it grows, heating the room quite nicely. The cozy atmosphere she's wanting is important. Making her bonded feel comfortable is important...because she cares. Weirdly, she's growing into a sap, herself.]
I'm not. You were always a sap deep down. You're just safe, now. So you can show it.
[she's not sure how much she likes being read that easily, but Chandra's psychically connected with her every emotion; it shouldn't be much of a surprise. the warmth in her heart grows with the warmth in the room, and after another drink, she's smiling a little more openly. feeling a little less guarded. not because the alcohol is taking effect, but because Chandra's right. she's safe now. she's safe now and she can just forget about the things waiting for her back in Remnant.]
Yeah. I just need to find a way to make my head stop... telling me that everything I'm letting myself not worry about is going to come back and bite me. [she might as well say it, right?] I need to convince myself it's actually okay to relax. It feels like it's been so long since I could do that.
Like I said. If anyone gives you shit...I'll blow them to smithereens. I don't care if it's man, beast, or god.
[That's totally not the point but it's what she knows. She knocks back her own cup a bit, then leans into the couch cushion with a sigh.]
And when we're done, I'll help you out, Em. Doesn't matter what kind of trouble you've got yourself into on Remnant. I protect my people. And you're important to me, so just...let yourself relax.
[She laughs softly to herself.]
Gids always chided me for being so quick to commit to jumping in to help, but Jace always said that being friends with me was like being friends with a volcano. I'm gonna erupt one way or another, may as well point me at the bad guys.
[this is one of the ways Chandra differs from Cinder, Em is realizing. there's never been any sense of... that volcano thing with Cinder, or at least there hasn't that Em's ever noticed. she's always been in control and perfectly composed (except those couple times she hadn't but those were just bad days she's pretty sure) and Chandra is. not that. and somehow Chandra feels safe... safer? no, she can't let herself—ugh. she takes another drink of wine.]
It's not that I'm getting myself into trouble back home. [she might as well start. she doesn't have to start with everything all at once, but.] I... work for Cinder, who works for Salem. And Cinder and Salem don't get along, and now Cinder isn't really.
[sigh.] Cinder isn't in the picture anymore. Which means I work for Salem now. The trouble found me.
I do believe that. I believe you. It took a long time but I'm... you know, turning around on it.
[she sounds a little more tired than she'd like, even if the physical contact gives rise to a small smile. there's more warmth in her chest than the fire and wine can be responsible for.]
But that's just the place I'm coming from, you know? I... I mean, I grew up on the street until Cinder took me in. [okay, sure. she can just say that right now.] It's hard to shake. I could be... totally safe, but I can't trick myself into calming down.
Believe it or not, I get that. I know I haven't talked much about how I grew up, but after I Planeswalked for the first time, I really...kinda lived a life like that. I just fell in with the monks at the monastery at Keral Keep, or I'd probably have ended up finding someone to follow, just like you.
[There's a lot of warmth in her, too, definitely not from the wine. More the light of empathy than anything else.]
I just...learned to kinda bluster my way through life, and because of that I've gotten a handle on my fears. And because I had good friends to make me feel safe and welcome.
[there's... a lot to take in just from that, really. the idea that maybe the reason Chandra feels familiar is more than just the comparison with Cinder. it's hard to come up with a good response to that that wouldn't be oversharing, but eventually she just decides... fuck it. it doesn't matter.]
Nobody's really made me feel exactly like this before. Cinder wouldn't invite me over for drinks and a conversation like this. Mercury was the closest thing I had to a friend and he would never do anything like this. [there's kind of a. bitter look on her face as she comes to this realization, but she drinks a little more to wash it away.] The only people who would probably ever treat me like this are the heroes over on team RWBY. The ones Cinder wanted me to infiltrate and take out.
[she thinks of everyone, and then she thinks of Yang and her face twists again.] And if Cinder's dead because of them, then it's never gonna happen.
[Em cuts herself off. she can't prove it. she doesn't know, but it sounds right. she can feel her eyes going wide and her heart rate going up just thinking about her. just thinking about what happened below the academy. there's a moment where she doesn't do anything but breathe, but it's not peaceful; she's gripping her cup so tightly her hand is starting to shake.]
If Cinder's dead, Yang killed her. I can't... I can't just let that go. I can't just move on past that.
[Chandra looks at Emerald, her eyes cloudy with remembrance. She knows this kind of pain. She knows what it's like to let someone live that hurt, killed, your friend. Your parent. Your people.
But...]
Revenge doesn't bring back the person you lost. It didn't bring back dad. Or the abbot. Or Gids...
[there's. a lot flowing through the Bond right now, but Chandra would have to be blind not to see how any of this is hitting her, and on the basest level Em understands that. she understands below everything else that an eye for an eye isn't going to solve anything and that killing Yang won't bring Cinder back (and that she doesn't like... she doesn't like killing, does she?). but there's. more. and before she runs the risk of trembling so hard that she spills what's left of her drink on the carpet, she slams it down all at once instead and places the cup on the table. maybe if she's drunk, it won't hurt as bad.]
She picked me up off the street, she gave me a reason to live, she... cared about me when nobody else would because I was just this penniless street rat stealing to survive. She took me into her arms and she told me everything was going to be all right and it has been [lying] and I can't just. I can't stand here and let her get away with it. I can't let her... I can't not do anything when she took my entire life from me.
[there's gritting teeth and there's frustration and anger and fear and she knows that if she keeps talking she's going to tear up and she doesn't even know what emotion would be causing that. and she's clenching her fists and she's pressing them against her legs and she can't bring herself to look at Chandra.]
[Chandra says that without any heat behind her words. She picks herself up, sets down her drink, and then moves to sit next to Emerald. Gently, she takes one hand and puts it around Emerald's shoulders in a sisterly gesture, the bond thick with concern.]
She gave you a reason to live, sure. But that doesn't mean that you have to follow her down a road full of bad choices.
[Her voice firms, the sense of resolve that was always in Chandra's bond-sense turns hard, focused.]
She made the choice to get involved with Salem, you told me. She dragged you into a nightmare, and she made the choice to confront an enemy that ultimately killed her. Those choices are clearly not good ones, if she's dead and you're living in fear of a monstrous demigod.
You don't have to try and kill anyone, because you don't want to, deep down. I know that. You've got a choice, to either get out of a quagmire that she put you in, or wind up making bad choices yourself.
[Weirdly, Yang is the one person from Em's world Chandra had met. She seemed nice enough, and not the sort to kill.]
I know what it's like. I...had the chance to kill the man that killed my father. The man that framed me for his death. But...I didn't take it. Because revenge is a choice, and it's not the right one.
[she's quiet. she's quiet for what feels like too long. having the warm touch of someone who actually cares about her is helping Emerald to focus a little more, to come down off the edge of anger and frustration and it's helping her... sort of, maybe come to terms with what the actual issue is. she doesn't say anything for a while, letting Chandra talk and listening to her words and letting her own breathing normalize.]
[and hitch. and she realizes that if she spends too much time listening without saying anything, it's all going to shatter around her like the mirror she walked into this world through. there's a choice to make. there's always a choice to make. and she can say what she's thinking about saying to Chandra but not to Mercury because... why? because she doesn't have anything to prove? because she can't hide anything from Chandra even if she wanted to?]
[maybe because it's already obvious and she's just putting words to it.]
I don't know what to do without her. I don't want to go back if all I have waiting for me is Salem. I'd rather be here forever if I don't have Cinder anymore.
[Chandra can't relate to that. She yearns for freedom, to be clear and free and jumping from place to place. That's when she's always been happiest. And she can't take Emerald with her. Not like that. It won't work, because that's not how Planeswalking works.
But she can't say that.]
I think that you shouldn't go back, if you don't want to.
[She leans in closer, head tilting to the side, studying Emerald's face.]
Maybe when we figure a way off this rock, you go somewhere else. I...know people. I know a world where you'd fit right in, and you could have steady, reliable work. Hell, I know a guy that would hire you right now, if he were here. You've got infiltration skills and he runs one of the biggest spy networks I've ever seen.
[it takes Emerald a second to realize how close Chandra is, but she's listening as intently as she can to every word. it's an offer close to the one Cinder made. steady, reliable work under somebody who can fulfill her every dream. or whatever. she doesn't even know what her own dreams are anymore. because ever since she came here, she hasn't had any that were entirely her own, has she?]
[(she hasn't had dreams all her own for much longer than that.)]
[it's tempting in the moment, but she can't commit that easily. she hasn't been able to make her decisions that simply or quickly in years—and it's not an offer, is it, it's just musing. it's just what-ifs. what-if after what-if. she sighs and turns her head, and blinks a little in surprise when she finally sees how close Chandra's gotten.]
It's a nice gesture. But I don't know if... [she gnaws her lower lip, her red eyes darting away and her head turning slightly back with it.] I don't know if she's actually dead. And I won't unless I go back there, and I won't be able to come back to... what you're offering if I go back and there's nothing but Salem. [she's guessing. it's all a guess. she knows she'll be repeating herself, but. her breath is starting to get shaky again. her eyes close.]
I don't know what to do... and I'm scared. I'm so scared.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[there's... so much of what's going on is for Emerald's benefit; she's not dumb and she knows that coincidences don't usually work in her favor. but Chandra isn't calling attention to it. she doesn't need Emerald to know that it's for her. that's different. in a good way, she thinks; there's feelings of warmth and safety coming through, slowly but surely.]
I only really do social drinking anyway. It's not really a good idea for me to drink alone. [because of a few things. but there was definitely a reason the only two people here who had or would see her really drunk were the people she trusted the most out of the ones she'd met so far.] And this is about as social as I'm gonna get, I guess. Hope you're ready for some bleak shit.
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And then another.]
I'm ready for whatever you have to tell me. I've...seen some pretty bleak shit myself. I'll spare you the gory details though. I don't want to give you nightmares.
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I owe everything I am today to Cinder. And I know I told you that already, but... [her face twists, not at the wine but at what she's saying. how the words are still too hard to come by. and she exhales.]
Sorry. I don't think I can start yet. It's... too much and I'm thinking about it too much. We should talk about something else first.
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[Chandra's eyes dance over Emerald for a moment.
What to talk about? It's hard. But she has at least one thing she can say.]
I like the teeth. They're cute.
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[her free hand goes up to her mouth and feels her teeth through her lips. it still feels unnatural to her touch, but it hasn't really gotten in the way of much yet, mercifully.]
It feels like they don't fit right in my mouth. Which, I mean, they don't, but... I don't know. It's weird having to feel it in reality instead of just as a dream. [she punctuates that with another drink from her cup. she'll need to do that more and faster if she actually wants to get to the stuff she needs to talk about.]
Back home I can make people think my body looks like whatever I want it to. Now it's totally out of my control. That's weird, too. [she's eloquent.] I don't like it.
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That would be unusual. I've never done transformative magic, myself. And I'm terrible at glamours. But I imagine that if it's something you do often, that's really troublesome.
[No shit, Chandra.]
I could maybe see about trying to enchant a belt for you to hide the changes?
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I'll still be able to feel them, and if... I don't know, if some more Dorchacht crap happens, I want them to know that a Monster is making their lives hell. I don't want them thinking it's one of their own.
[she leans forward and picks up her cup again, and says one more thing before taking another drink.] I want them to know it's the people they thought they could crush coming back and fucking all of them up.
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[Chandra's smile is nothing short of wicked. Harsh, even.]
I've been working on some new things. Spells that make other people stronger. Give them the strength of a hill giant. Or make them move faster.
You'll have the opportunity, if it comes up, to really fuck them up.
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[normally that would've been concerning, the thought of modifying herself with magic like that, but as she'd grown to know Chandra she'd become much more comfortable with the idea. especially if it means... safety. protection. however that manifests. heh, she kind of sounds like a badass, doesn't she? talking like this. it feels... comfortable again.]
I hope it doesn't, but I don't think we're gonna be that lucky. I don't think Dorchacht is done with us. And we still have the Cwyldtid out there, too... but at least I know where I can go to stay warm this winter. [assuming they have winter here. she looks up at Chandra and there's a hint of a smile.]
You're turning me into a real sap, Chandra.
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[Chandra waves a lazy hand towards the fire and it grows, heating the room quite nicely. The cozy atmosphere she's wanting is important. Making her bonded feel comfortable is important...because she cares. Weirdly, she's growing into a sap, herself.]
I'm not. You were always a sap deep down. You're just safe, now. So you can show it.
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Yeah. I just need to find a way to make my head stop... telling me that everything I'm letting myself not worry about is going to come back and bite me. [she might as well say it, right?] I need to convince myself it's actually okay to relax. It feels like it's been so long since I could do that.
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[That's totally not the point but it's what she knows. She knocks back her own cup a bit, then leans into the couch cushion with a sigh.]
And when we're done, I'll help you out, Em. Doesn't matter what kind of trouble you've got yourself into on Remnant. I protect my people. And you're important to me, so just...let yourself relax.
[She laughs softly to herself.]
Gids always chided me for being so quick to commit to jumping in to help, but Jace always said that being friends with me was like being friends with a volcano. I'm gonna erupt one way or another, may as well point me at the bad guys.
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It's not that I'm getting myself into trouble back home. [she might as well start. she doesn't have to start with everything all at once, but.] I... work for Cinder, who works for Salem. And Cinder and Salem don't get along, and now Cinder isn't really.
[sigh.] Cinder isn't in the picture anymore. Which means I work for Salem now. The trouble found me.
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[Chandra leans forward, her smile confident and composed.]
But Salem's found trouble, Em. I'm bigger trouble.
[Reaching a hand out comes naturally, patting the other's shoulder.]
So you don't need to worry about Salem. If you believe nothing else I say, believe that.
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[she sounds a little more tired than she'd like, even if the physical contact gives rise to a small smile. there's more warmth in her chest than the fire and wine can be responsible for.]
But that's just the place I'm coming from, you know? I... I mean, I grew up on the street until Cinder took me in. [okay, sure. she can just say that right now.] It's hard to shake. I could be... totally safe, but I can't trick myself into calming down.
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[There's a lot of warmth in her, too, definitely not from the wine. More the light of empathy than anything else.]
I just...learned to kinda bluster my way through life, and because of that I've gotten a handle on my fears. And because I had good friends to make me feel safe and welcome.
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[there's... a lot to take in just from that, really. the idea that maybe the reason Chandra feels familiar is more than just the comparison with Cinder. it's hard to come up with a good response to that that wouldn't be oversharing, but eventually she just decides... fuck it. it doesn't matter.]
Nobody's really made me feel exactly like this before. Cinder wouldn't invite me over for drinks and a conversation like this. Mercury was the closest thing I had to a friend and he would never do anything like this. [there's kind of a. bitter look on her face as she comes to this realization, but she drinks a little more to wash it away.] The only people who would probably ever treat me like this are the heroes over on team RWBY. The ones Cinder wanted me to infiltrate and take out.
[she thinks of everyone, and then she thinks of Yang and her face twists again.] And if Cinder's dead because of them, then it's never gonna happen.
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[After she removes the Salem problem, anyway.]
No reason to fight those people anymore.
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[Em cuts herself off. she can't prove it. she doesn't know, but it sounds right. she can feel her eyes going wide and her heart rate going up just thinking about her. just thinking about what happened below the academy. there's a moment where she doesn't do anything but breathe, but it's not peaceful; she's gripping her cup so tightly her hand is starting to shake.]
If Cinder's dead, Yang killed her. I can't... I can't just let that go. I can't just move on past that.
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[Chandra looks at Emerald, her eyes cloudy with remembrance. She knows this kind of pain. She knows what it's like to let someone live that hurt, killed, your friend. Your parent. Your people.
But...]
Revenge doesn't bring back the person you lost. It didn't bring back dad. Or the abbot. Or Gids...
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[there's. a lot flowing through the Bond right now, but Chandra would have to be blind not to see how any of this is hitting her, and on the basest level Em understands that. she understands below everything else that an eye for an eye isn't going to solve anything and that killing Yang won't bring Cinder back (and that she doesn't like... she doesn't like killing, does she?). but there's. more. and before she runs the risk of trembling so hard that she spills what's left of her drink on the carpet, she slams it down all at once instead and places the cup on the table. maybe if she's drunk, it won't hurt as bad.]
She picked me up off the street, she gave me a reason to live, she... cared about me when nobody else would because I was just this penniless street rat stealing to survive. She took me into her arms and she told me everything was going to be all right and it has been [lying] and I can't just. I can't stand here and let her get away with it. I can't let her... I can't not do anything when she took my entire life from me.
[there's gritting teeth and there's frustration and anger and fear and she knows that if she keeps talking she's going to tear up and she doesn't even know what emotion would be causing that. and she's clenching her fists and she's pressing them against her legs and she can't bring herself to look at Chandra.]
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[Chandra says that without any heat behind her words. She picks herself up, sets down her drink, and then moves to sit next to Emerald. Gently, she takes one hand and puts it around Emerald's shoulders in a sisterly gesture, the bond thick with concern.]
She gave you a reason to live, sure. But that doesn't mean that you have to follow her down a road full of bad choices.
[Her voice firms, the sense of resolve that was always in Chandra's bond-sense turns hard, focused.]
She made the choice to get involved with Salem, you told me. She dragged you into a nightmare, and she made the choice to confront an enemy that ultimately killed her. Those choices are clearly not good ones, if she's dead and you're living in fear of a monstrous demigod.
You don't have to try and kill anyone, because you don't want to, deep down. I know that. You've got a choice, to either get out of a quagmire that she put you in, or wind up making bad choices yourself.
[Weirdly, Yang is the one person from Em's world Chandra had met. She seemed nice enough, and not the sort to kill.]
I know what it's like. I...had the chance to kill the man that killed my father. The man that framed me for his death. But...I didn't take it. Because revenge is a choice, and it's not the right one.
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[and hitch. and she realizes that if she spends too much time listening without saying anything, it's all going to shatter around her like the mirror she walked into this world through. there's a choice to make. there's always a choice to make. and she can say what she's thinking about saying to Chandra but not to Mercury because... why? because she doesn't have anything to prove? because she can't hide anything from Chandra even if she wanted to?]
[maybe because it's already obvious and she's just putting words to it.]
I don't know what to do without her. I don't want to go back if all I have waiting for me is Salem. I'd rather be here forever if I don't have Cinder anymore.
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[Chandra can't relate to that. She yearns for freedom, to be clear and free and jumping from place to place. That's when she's always been happiest. And she can't take Emerald with her. Not like that. It won't work, because that's not how Planeswalking works.
But she can't say that.]
I think that you shouldn't go back, if you don't want to.
[She leans in closer, head tilting to the side, studying Emerald's face.]
Maybe when we figure a way off this rock, you go somewhere else. I...know people. I know a world where you'd fit right in, and you could have steady, reliable work. Hell, I know a guy that would hire you right now, if he were here. You've got infiltration skills and he runs one of the biggest spy networks I've ever seen.
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[(she hasn't had dreams all her own for much longer than that.)]
[it's tempting in the moment, but she can't commit that easily. she hasn't been able to make her decisions that simply or quickly in years—and it's not an offer, is it, it's just musing. it's just what-ifs. what-if after what-if. she sighs and turns her head, and blinks a little in surprise when she finally sees how close Chandra's gotten.]
It's a nice gesture. But I don't know if... [she gnaws her lower lip, her red eyes darting away and her head turning slightly back with it.] I don't know if she's actually dead. And I won't unless I go back there, and I won't be able to come back to... what you're offering if I go back and there's nothing but Salem. [she's guessing. it's all a guess. she knows she'll be repeating herself, but. her breath is starting to get shaky again. her eyes close.]
I don't know what to do... and I'm scared. I'm so scared.
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