[normally that would've been concerning, the thought of modifying herself with magic like that, but as she'd grown to know Chandra she'd become much more comfortable with the idea. especially if it means... safety. protection. however that manifests. heh, she kind of sounds like a badass, doesn't she? talking like this. it feels... comfortable again.]
I hope it doesn't, but I don't think we're gonna be that lucky. I don't think Dorchacht is done with us. And we still have the Cwyldtid out there, too... but at least I know where I can go to stay warm this winter. [assuming they have winter here. she looks up at Chandra and there's a hint of a smile.]
[Chandra waves a lazy hand towards the fire and it grows, heating the room quite nicely. The cozy atmosphere she's wanting is important. Making her bonded feel comfortable is important...because she cares. Weirdly, she's growing into a sap, herself.]
I'm not. You were always a sap deep down. You're just safe, now. So you can show it.
[she's not sure how much she likes being read that easily, but Chandra's psychically connected with her every emotion; it shouldn't be much of a surprise. the warmth in her heart grows with the warmth in the room, and after another drink, she's smiling a little more openly. feeling a little less guarded. not because the alcohol is taking effect, but because Chandra's right. she's safe now. she's safe now and she can just forget about the things waiting for her back in Remnant.]
Yeah. I just need to find a way to make my head stop... telling me that everything I'm letting myself not worry about is going to come back and bite me. [she might as well say it, right?] I need to convince myself it's actually okay to relax. It feels like it's been so long since I could do that.
Like I said. If anyone gives you shit...I'll blow them to smithereens. I don't care if it's man, beast, or god.
[That's totally not the point but it's what she knows. She knocks back her own cup a bit, then leans into the couch cushion with a sigh.]
And when we're done, I'll help you out, Em. Doesn't matter what kind of trouble you've got yourself into on Remnant. I protect my people. And you're important to me, so just...let yourself relax.
[She laughs softly to herself.]
Gids always chided me for being so quick to commit to jumping in to help, but Jace always said that being friends with me was like being friends with a volcano. I'm gonna erupt one way or another, may as well point me at the bad guys.
[this is one of the ways Chandra differs from Cinder, Em is realizing. there's never been any sense of... that volcano thing with Cinder, or at least there hasn't that Em's ever noticed. she's always been in control and perfectly composed (except those couple times she hadn't but those were just bad days she's pretty sure) and Chandra is. not that. and somehow Chandra feels safe... safer? no, she can't let herself—ugh. she takes another drink of wine.]
It's not that I'm getting myself into trouble back home. [she might as well start. she doesn't have to start with everything all at once, but.] I... work for Cinder, who works for Salem. And Cinder and Salem don't get along, and now Cinder isn't really.
[sigh.] Cinder isn't in the picture anymore. Which means I work for Salem now. The trouble found me.
I do believe that. I believe you. It took a long time but I'm... you know, turning around on it.
[she sounds a little more tired than she'd like, even if the physical contact gives rise to a small smile. there's more warmth in her chest than the fire and wine can be responsible for.]
But that's just the place I'm coming from, you know? I... I mean, I grew up on the street until Cinder took me in. [okay, sure. she can just say that right now.] It's hard to shake. I could be... totally safe, but I can't trick myself into calming down.
Believe it or not, I get that. I know I haven't talked much about how I grew up, but after I Planeswalked for the first time, I really...kinda lived a life like that. I just fell in with the monks at the monastery at Keral Keep, or I'd probably have ended up finding someone to follow, just like you.
[There's a lot of warmth in her, too, definitely not from the wine. More the light of empathy than anything else.]
I just...learned to kinda bluster my way through life, and because of that I've gotten a handle on my fears. And because I had good friends to make me feel safe and welcome.
[there's... a lot to take in just from that, really. the idea that maybe the reason Chandra feels familiar is more than just the comparison with Cinder. it's hard to come up with a good response to that that wouldn't be oversharing, but eventually she just decides... fuck it. it doesn't matter.]
Nobody's really made me feel exactly like this before. Cinder wouldn't invite me over for drinks and a conversation like this. Mercury was the closest thing I had to a friend and he would never do anything like this. [there's kind of a. bitter look on her face as she comes to this realization, but she drinks a little more to wash it away.] The only people who would probably ever treat me like this are the heroes over on team RWBY. The ones Cinder wanted me to infiltrate and take out.
[she thinks of everyone, and then she thinks of Yang and her face twists again.] And if Cinder's dead because of them, then it's never gonna happen.
[Em cuts herself off. she can't prove it. she doesn't know, but it sounds right. she can feel her eyes going wide and her heart rate going up just thinking about her. just thinking about what happened below the academy. there's a moment where she doesn't do anything but breathe, but it's not peaceful; she's gripping her cup so tightly her hand is starting to shake.]
If Cinder's dead, Yang killed her. I can't... I can't just let that go. I can't just move on past that.
[Chandra looks at Emerald, her eyes cloudy with remembrance. She knows this kind of pain. She knows what it's like to let someone live that hurt, killed, your friend. Your parent. Your people.
But...]
Revenge doesn't bring back the person you lost. It didn't bring back dad. Or the abbot. Or Gids...
[there's. a lot flowing through the Bond right now, but Chandra would have to be blind not to see how any of this is hitting her, and on the basest level Em understands that. she understands below everything else that an eye for an eye isn't going to solve anything and that killing Yang won't bring Cinder back (and that she doesn't like... she doesn't like killing, does she?). but there's. more. and before she runs the risk of trembling so hard that she spills what's left of her drink on the carpet, she slams it down all at once instead and places the cup on the table. maybe if she's drunk, it won't hurt as bad.]
She picked me up off the street, she gave me a reason to live, she... cared about me when nobody else would because I was just this penniless street rat stealing to survive. She took me into her arms and she told me everything was going to be all right and it has been [lying] and I can't just. I can't stand here and let her get away with it. I can't let her... I can't not do anything when she took my entire life from me.
[there's gritting teeth and there's frustration and anger and fear and she knows that if she keeps talking she's going to tear up and she doesn't even know what emotion would be causing that. and she's clenching her fists and she's pressing them against her legs and she can't bring herself to look at Chandra.]
[Chandra says that without any heat behind her words. She picks herself up, sets down her drink, and then moves to sit next to Emerald. Gently, she takes one hand and puts it around Emerald's shoulders in a sisterly gesture, the bond thick with concern.]
She gave you a reason to live, sure. But that doesn't mean that you have to follow her down a road full of bad choices.
[Her voice firms, the sense of resolve that was always in Chandra's bond-sense turns hard, focused.]
She made the choice to get involved with Salem, you told me. She dragged you into a nightmare, and she made the choice to confront an enemy that ultimately killed her. Those choices are clearly not good ones, if she's dead and you're living in fear of a monstrous demigod.
You don't have to try and kill anyone, because you don't want to, deep down. I know that. You've got a choice, to either get out of a quagmire that she put you in, or wind up making bad choices yourself.
[Weirdly, Yang is the one person from Em's world Chandra had met. She seemed nice enough, and not the sort to kill.]
I know what it's like. I...had the chance to kill the man that killed my father. The man that framed me for his death. But...I didn't take it. Because revenge is a choice, and it's not the right one.
[she's quiet. she's quiet for what feels like too long. having the warm touch of someone who actually cares about her is helping Emerald to focus a little more, to come down off the edge of anger and frustration and it's helping her... sort of, maybe come to terms with what the actual issue is. she doesn't say anything for a while, letting Chandra talk and listening to her words and letting her own breathing normalize.]
[and hitch. and she realizes that if she spends too much time listening without saying anything, it's all going to shatter around her like the mirror she walked into this world through. there's a choice to make. there's always a choice to make. and she can say what she's thinking about saying to Chandra but not to Mercury because... why? because she doesn't have anything to prove? because she can't hide anything from Chandra even if she wanted to?]
[maybe because it's already obvious and she's just putting words to it.]
I don't know what to do without her. I don't want to go back if all I have waiting for me is Salem. I'd rather be here forever if I don't have Cinder anymore.
[Chandra can't relate to that. She yearns for freedom, to be clear and free and jumping from place to place. That's when she's always been happiest. And she can't take Emerald with her. Not like that. It won't work, because that's not how Planeswalking works.
But she can't say that.]
I think that you shouldn't go back, if you don't want to.
[She leans in closer, head tilting to the side, studying Emerald's face.]
Maybe when we figure a way off this rock, you go somewhere else. I...know people. I know a world where you'd fit right in, and you could have steady, reliable work. Hell, I know a guy that would hire you right now, if he were here. You've got infiltration skills and he runs one of the biggest spy networks I've ever seen.
[it takes Emerald a second to realize how close Chandra is, but she's listening as intently as she can to every word. it's an offer close to the one Cinder made. steady, reliable work under somebody who can fulfill her every dream. or whatever. she doesn't even know what her own dreams are anymore. because ever since she came here, she hasn't had any that were entirely her own, has she?]
[(she hasn't had dreams all her own for much longer than that.)]
[it's tempting in the moment, but she can't commit that easily. she hasn't been able to make her decisions that simply or quickly in years—and it's not an offer, is it, it's just musing. it's just what-ifs. what-if after what-if. she sighs and turns her head, and blinks a little in surprise when she finally sees how close Chandra's gotten.]
It's a nice gesture. But I don't know if... [she gnaws her lower lip, her red eyes darting away and her head turning slightly back with it.] I don't know if she's actually dead. And I won't unless I go back there, and I won't be able to come back to... what you're offering if I go back and there's nothing but Salem. [she's guessing. it's all a guess. she knows she'll be repeating herself, but. her breath is starting to get shaky again. her eyes close.]
I don't know what to do... and I'm scared. I'm so scared.
[She's. Got a way to make kind of a one way trip. It'll only work once, and only to a specific plane, but that's fine. It's also a bridge that they'll cross when they finish up in this world, and something that's easy to put off. And that's not including Walking to Remnant, checking, then returning.
So, instead of elaborating, she just pulls Emerald into a hug. A real hug. Not this namby-pamby weak ass crap.]
...Just relax, Em. Right now, just...don't worry about it. We've got a long way to go before home is even an option.
[this hug is more than she ever would have gotten before, this hug is real, this hug is something... something she's needed for so long, and she hasn't had time for the alcohol to hit her system yet so she guesses the warmth inside her is just from the feeling of being genuinely, truly cared about. for the first time in so, so long. too long. Emerald's hands shake, and it takes her another couple seconds before she's hugging Chandra back, and her fingers press against her too firmly, too much, she's. she needs this. she needs this so badly.]
[she's pathetic.]
I know. [is she replying to Chandra or herself?] I'm... thinking way too far ahead right now. I need to calm down. [she needs to figure out how to shut everything back down before she starts crying. she sniffs, and it's not a sniffle yet but it's, like, right there.] This is why I don't talk about myself.
[Chandrea curls herself up and around Emerald, trying her best to give the same level of hug that Gideon would have given. She's not nearly so big, but she does try. Emerald needs it, clearly, because she's not had it in a long time...if ever.]
It's fine. We all think ahead, but right now, it's okay to just let it out. I know you're worried, and you're grieving, so you don't have to hold it in, if it'll feel better to get it out.
[it doesn't matter what kind of hug she's getting as long as it's genuine and she doesn't feel like anything Chandra could give would be anything less than that. she's not even drunk yet and she's already spilling shit like this. when she wakes up tomorrow, she's going to regret so much of this. she can already tell.]
It's so stupid. I don't even know if she's gone. I feel like... [sniff. okay. no. she can't keep talking about this or she's going to cry. she just lets the sentence die there, then, and lets herself breathe for... however long it takes. she doesn't know what time is anymore.]
[when she's ready to speak again, her voice doesn't have much more confidence. but there's a little bit more, and that's the important part.]
I thought I wouldn't have to worry about anything ever again as long as I had her. But I just have to... remember how I got by without her before. I made it pretty far without her.
[Chandra decides to try and soothe Em by gently rubbing her hand down her back. Then up, in a quick, slow motion. She's not really understanding just why this is so touchy to Em, but she's not asking questions here. She's just trying to be encouraging, and kind. One of which comes particularly naturally to her, while the other is a little awkward.]
...You did. And, you aren't alone. No matter what, remember that.
[it's the abuse! not that she's gotten far enough away from it yet to realize that. she's just glad she has somebody here to catch her in the middle of this complete fucking breakdown she's having, or she's on the brink of having, or whatever. Chandra's encouragement and kindness and warmth are all helping, even if Chandra herself doesn't think she's very good at them all in equal measure. Emerald exhales, and then again, and she's just breathing after that. focusing on her breathing. imagine a feather and imagine your breath is keeping it afloat.]
I'm not alone. I'm not alone here. I just... don't have the person I was relying on. But that doesn't mean that I don't have anyone. [that's what the Bond is for. that's what friendship is for. she's not alone. breathe. just breathe.]
...Okay. So. I don't really remember what... [sigh.] What I was going to talk to you about anymore.
[gods. this is. so stupid. this whole thing is the past, right? isn't it? even though she's still. living through it like it's the present. that's got to be it, right? or. something. ugh. she leans forward and rests her head in her hands and swears.]
Right now I just want to think about anything that isn't all the crap I'm leaving behind. Maybe we can talk about... good stuff in your life? Or something? [sigh. she turns her head and tries to look curious, but she's just begging for a distraction right now.] What's it like being a planeswalker?
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[normally that would've been concerning, the thought of modifying herself with magic like that, but as she'd grown to know Chandra she'd become much more comfortable with the idea. especially if it means... safety. protection. however that manifests. heh, she kind of sounds like a badass, doesn't she? talking like this. it feels... comfortable again.]
I hope it doesn't, but I don't think we're gonna be that lucky. I don't think Dorchacht is done with us. And we still have the Cwyldtid out there, too... but at least I know where I can go to stay warm this winter. [assuming they have winter here. she looks up at Chandra and there's a hint of a smile.]
You're turning me into a real sap, Chandra.
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[Chandra waves a lazy hand towards the fire and it grows, heating the room quite nicely. The cozy atmosphere she's wanting is important. Making her bonded feel comfortable is important...because she cares. Weirdly, she's growing into a sap, herself.]
I'm not. You were always a sap deep down. You're just safe, now. So you can show it.
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Yeah. I just need to find a way to make my head stop... telling me that everything I'm letting myself not worry about is going to come back and bite me. [she might as well say it, right?] I need to convince myself it's actually okay to relax. It feels like it's been so long since I could do that.
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[That's totally not the point but it's what she knows. She knocks back her own cup a bit, then leans into the couch cushion with a sigh.]
And when we're done, I'll help you out, Em. Doesn't matter what kind of trouble you've got yourself into on Remnant. I protect my people. And you're important to me, so just...let yourself relax.
[She laughs softly to herself.]
Gids always chided me for being so quick to commit to jumping in to help, but Jace always said that being friends with me was like being friends with a volcano. I'm gonna erupt one way or another, may as well point me at the bad guys.
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It's not that I'm getting myself into trouble back home. [she might as well start. she doesn't have to start with everything all at once, but.] I... work for Cinder, who works for Salem. And Cinder and Salem don't get along, and now Cinder isn't really.
[sigh.] Cinder isn't in the picture anymore. Which means I work for Salem now. The trouble found me.
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[Chandra leans forward, her smile confident and composed.]
But Salem's found trouble, Em. I'm bigger trouble.
[Reaching a hand out comes naturally, patting the other's shoulder.]
So you don't need to worry about Salem. If you believe nothing else I say, believe that.
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[she sounds a little more tired than she'd like, even if the physical contact gives rise to a small smile. there's more warmth in her chest than the fire and wine can be responsible for.]
But that's just the place I'm coming from, you know? I... I mean, I grew up on the street until Cinder took me in. [okay, sure. she can just say that right now.] It's hard to shake. I could be... totally safe, but I can't trick myself into calming down.
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[There's a lot of warmth in her, too, definitely not from the wine. More the light of empathy than anything else.]
I just...learned to kinda bluster my way through life, and because of that I've gotten a handle on my fears. And because I had good friends to make me feel safe and welcome.
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[there's... a lot to take in just from that, really. the idea that maybe the reason Chandra feels familiar is more than just the comparison with Cinder. it's hard to come up with a good response to that that wouldn't be oversharing, but eventually she just decides... fuck it. it doesn't matter.]
Nobody's really made me feel exactly like this before. Cinder wouldn't invite me over for drinks and a conversation like this. Mercury was the closest thing I had to a friend and he would never do anything like this. [there's kind of a. bitter look on her face as she comes to this realization, but she drinks a little more to wash it away.] The only people who would probably ever treat me like this are the heroes over on team RWBY. The ones Cinder wanted me to infiltrate and take out.
[she thinks of everyone, and then she thinks of Yang and her face twists again.] And if Cinder's dead because of them, then it's never gonna happen.
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[After she removes the Salem problem, anyway.]
No reason to fight those people anymore.
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[Em cuts herself off. she can't prove it. she doesn't know, but it sounds right. she can feel her eyes going wide and her heart rate going up just thinking about her. just thinking about what happened below the academy. there's a moment where she doesn't do anything but breathe, but it's not peaceful; she's gripping her cup so tightly her hand is starting to shake.]
If Cinder's dead, Yang killed her. I can't... I can't just let that go. I can't just move on past that.
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[Chandra looks at Emerald, her eyes cloudy with remembrance. She knows this kind of pain. She knows what it's like to let someone live that hurt, killed, your friend. Your parent. Your people.
But...]
Revenge doesn't bring back the person you lost. It didn't bring back dad. Or the abbot. Or Gids...
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[there's. a lot flowing through the Bond right now, but Chandra would have to be blind not to see how any of this is hitting her, and on the basest level Em understands that. she understands below everything else that an eye for an eye isn't going to solve anything and that killing Yang won't bring Cinder back (and that she doesn't like... she doesn't like killing, does she?). but there's. more. and before she runs the risk of trembling so hard that she spills what's left of her drink on the carpet, she slams it down all at once instead and places the cup on the table. maybe if she's drunk, it won't hurt as bad.]
She picked me up off the street, she gave me a reason to live, she... cared about me when nobody else would because I was just this penniless street rat stealing to survive. She took me into her arms and she told me everything was going to be all right and it has been [lying] and I can't just. I can't stand here and let her get away with it. I can't let her... I can't not do anything when she took my entire life from me.
[there's gritting teeth and there's frustration and anger and fear and she knows that if she keeps talking she's going to tear up and she doesn't even know what emotion would be causing that. and she's clenching her fists and she's pressing them against her legs and she can't bring herself to look at Chandra.]
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[Chandra says that without any heat behind her words. She picks herself up, sets down her drink, and then moves to sit next to Emerald. Gently, she takes one hand and puts it around Emerald's shoulders in a sisterly gesture, the bond thick with concern.]
She gave you a reason to live, sure. But that doesn't mean that you have to follow her down a road full of bad choices.
[Her voice firms, the sense of resolve that was always in Chandra's bond-sense turns hard, focused.]
She made the choice to get involved with Salem, you told me. She dragged you into a nightmare, and she made the choice to confront an enemy that ultimately killed her. Those choices are clearly not good ones, if she's dead and you're living in fear of a monstrous demigod.
You don't have to try and kill anyone, because you don't want to, deep down. I know that. You've got a choice, to either get out of a quagmire that she put you in, or wind up making bad choices yourself.
[Weirdly, Yang is the one person from Em's world Chandra had met. She seemed nice enough, and not the sort to kill.]
I know what it's like. I...had the chance to kill the man that killed my father. The man that framed me for his death. But...I didn't take it. Because revenge is a choice, and it's not the right one.
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[and hitch. and she realizes that if she spends too much time listening without saying anything, it's all going to shatter around her like the mirror she walked into this world through. there's a choice to make. there's always a choice to make. and she can say what she's thinking about saying to Chandra but not to Mercury because... why? because she doesn't have anything to prove? because she can't hide anything from Chandra even if she wanted to?]
[maybe because it's already obvious and she's just putting words to it.]
I don't know what to do without her. I don't want to go back if all I have waiting for me is Salem. I'd rather be here forever if I don't have Cinder anymore.
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[Chandra can't relate to that. She yearns for freedom, to be clear and free and jumping from place to place. That's when she's always been happiest. And she can't take Emerald with her. Not like that. It won't work, because that's not how Planeswalking works.
But she can't say that.]
I think that you shouldn't go back, if you don't want to.
[She leans in closer, head tilting to the side, studying Emerald's face.]
Maybe when we figure a way off this rock, you go somewhere else. I...know people. I know a world where you'd fit right in, and you could have steady, reliable work. Hell, I know a guy that would hire you right now, if he were here. You've got infiltration skills and he runs one of the biggest spy networks I've ever seen.
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[(she hasn't had dreams all her own for much longer than that.)]
[it's tempting in the moment, but she can't commit that easily. she hasn't been able to make her decisions that simply or quickly in years—and it's not an offer, is it, it's just musing. it's just what-ifs. what-if after what-if. she sighs and turns her head, and blinks a little in surprise when she finally sees how close Chandra's gotten.]
It's a nice gesture. But I don't know if... [she gnaws her lower lip, her red eyes darting away and her head turning slightly back with it.] I don't know if she's actually dead. And I won't unless I go back there, and I won't be able to come back to... what you're offering if I go back and there's nothing but Salem. [she's guessing. it's all a guess. she knows she'll be repeating herself, but. her breath is starting to get shaky again. her eyes close.]
I don't know what to do... and I'm scared. I'm so scared.
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[She's. Got a way to make kind of a one way trip. It'll only work once, and only to a specific plane, but that's fine. It's also a bridge that they'll cross when they finish up in this world, and something that's easy to put off. And that's not including Walking to Remnant, checking, then returning.
So, instead of elaborating, she just pulls Emerald into a hug. A real hug. Not this namby-pamby weak ass crap.]
...Just relax, Em. Right now, just...don't worry about it. We've got a long way to go before home is even an option.
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[she's pathetic.]
I know. [is she replying to Chandra or herself?] I'm... thinking way too far ahead right now. I need to calm down. [she needs to figure out how to shut everything back down before she starts crying. she sniffs, and it's not a sniffle yet but it's, like, right there.] This is why I don't talk about myself.
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[Chandrea curls herself up and around Emerald, trying her best to give the same level of hug that Gideon would have given. She's not nearly so big, but she does try. Emerald needs it, clearly, because she's not had it in a long time...if ever.]
It's fine. We all think ahead, but right now, it's okay to just let it out. I know you're worried, and you're grieving, so you don't have to hold it in, if it'll feel better to get it out.
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It's so stupid. I don't even know if she's gone. I feel like... [sniff. okay. no. she can't keep talking about this or she's going to cry. she just lets the sentence die there, then, and lets herself breathe for... however long it takes. she doesn't know what time is anymore.]
[when she's ready to speak again, her voice doesn't have much more confidence. but there's a little bit more, and that's the important part.]
I thought I wouldn't have to worry about anything ever again as long as I had her. But I just have to... remember how I got by without her before. I made it pretty far without her.
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[Chandra decides to try and soothe Em by gently rubbing her hand down her back. Then up, in a quick, slow motion. She's not really understanding just why this is so touchy to Em, but she's not asking questions here. She's just trying to be encouraging, and kind. One of which comes particularly naturally to her, while the other is a little awkward.]
...You did. And, you aren't alone. No matter what, remember that.
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I'm not alone. I'm not alone here. I just... don't have the person I was relying on. But that doesn't mean that I don't have anyone. [that's what the Bond is for. that's what friendship is for. she's not alone. breathe. just breathe.]
...Okay. So. I don't really remember what... [sigh.] What I was going to talk to you about anymore.
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[She finally, finally slides back, a little unsure of what Emerald was going on about. Hadn't they intended to talk about the past? Well...]
...And I don't know. We were going to talk about your past. But you don't have to, if this is too much already.
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[gods. this is. so stupid. this whole thing is the past, right? isn't it? even though she's still. living through it like it's the present. that's got to be it, right? or. something. ugh. she leans forward and rests her head in her hands and swears.]
Right now I just want to think about anything that isn't all the crap I'm leaving behind. Maybe we can talk about... good stuff in your life? Or something? [sigh. she turns her head and tries to look curious, but she's just begging for a distraction right now.] What's it like being a planeswalker?
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