[that one she knows she doesn't mean, and her body slumps backwards and she breaks gaze with Chandra as soon as she says it. it's too far. she's too far. this is why she doesn't drink, things just start coming out a little easier and she always takes it too far.]
Sorry. I didn't mean that. I just. I don't... I don't want you to be right about her... 'cause it's going to hurt so much if you're right. [it hurts way too much now.]
[this is it. this is what breaks her. Emerald starts crying in Chandra's embrace and it starts with just... a sniffle. and her shoulders shake. and she has words but they're heavy and hard to wade through, like she's struggling to pull herself from a swamp.]
I don't know what to do without her.
[she's a mess. she's terrible. she's fucking nothing.]
[she inhales, trying to get a handle on herself. trying to get a handle on herself that's as tight as the one Chandra has on her. it's not working, but she can try. she has to try.]
I'm sorry. I know we're going in circles. I just—
[it's. she stops herself from talking again. she doesn't have to explain herself, does she? wait, does she? shit. no. she doesn't. Chandra knows. of course Chandra already knows.]
Even if you're right, I don't... want to think about it right now. And I know I just said that too but... [she sniffles and buries her head closer.] Gods.
[Chandra leans down and gently presses her face into the top of Emerald's hair, a weirdly intimate gesture for her...but one she considers important all the same.]
[not talking. not talking sounds good. she hasn't had enough to drink to shut her hyperactive, anxious brain down yet, so right now the best thing she can think of is to just stay here with Chandra and try to calm down. try to. get back some level of balance in her life. while she tries to process everything else that's been tipping the scales for months if not years.]
[she tries to say "yes" but the word won't form, so she just ends up nodding quietly against Chandra's shoulder and squeezing her a little tighter by way of thanks.]
[there's a long pause and Emerald isn't even sure whether the alcohol has fully hit her yet, but slowly, reluctantly, she pulls away from Chandra and moves to start standing up. which she can still do, so she's probably fine to get water herself. but as she braces herself to stand, it takes her another second to wipe her face clean. like she's got to stop showing emotions as soon as she can.]
Thanks. I'm. [she takes another second. puts her hand on her forehead. the first thought that comes to mind is one that takes her a little by surprise even now.] I don't think I could do this without you.
[that's. so fucking stupid, she's so fucking stupid, emotions need to be thrown into a dumpster and gotten rid of, but gods help her, Emerald feels like she wants to cry all over again as soon as that blanket hits her shoulders. she grips at the edge and tugs it closer, tighter around her body, and she just kind of stays there for a second. more than a second. and the first thought that comes to her head goes straight to her lips.]
[that's part of the reason she asked, but right now that's what she feels like, above everything else. astray. lost, almost. trying hard not to be those things, trying as hard as she can to cling to the familiar. and she's finding it here, in Chandra. and she's. happy with that. she can live with that for now.]
Well, I believe it. You wouldn't put up with all of this if you didn't. [and she kind of. stops, and leans against Chandra, just a quiet nudge with the blanket still drawn tight around her body.] Thanks for... having a good heart.
[Chandra doesn't really know what else to say, so she waggles her fingers to call over the kitten squad and plunks back down, letting the furballs leap up into her lap.]
Sit with me. Let's...just relax and get to know the little ones better, yeah?
[it takes a long time for the word to come, like Emerald is trying very hard to get it out and come to a real conclusion about what to do next, but. once she says it, everything seems easier. she sits back down and she presses her body up against Chandra and she's still holding the blanket around her body like a cloak, and she just. lets one of the kittens clamber over into her lap and nestle down.]
[and Emerald's hand carefully comes out and starts gently stroking the kitten's fur, and there's peace on her face for a moment. a long moment. she just looks... happy. when her voice starts again, it's still dry, but she already sounds like she's in a better state.]
I always wanted to have a pet. But I never thought I could stay in one place long enough to give one the life it deserved. Even right now I don't think I could.
[Chandra's very content to let this one lie and not prod too hard. She gets it. The only reason she's adopted this time is because it's cold out and she's very...not cold...]
You can hang out with mine whenever you want. They like you.
[they do, don't they? Emerald... lets the thought roll around in her head. and realizes that the only reason she'd been trying to keep distance isn't a thing anymore. and having somebody to come home to again might not be that bad.]
My roommate disappeared. [she might as well admit that. no harm in it, probably.] And I don't think she's coming back. And the house I have now is really lonely without her. So... is the offer to move in here still on the table?
[it might take some time, but. she wants to be here with Chandra. she wants the warmth, she wants the companionship. the cats are cute, too. but it seems like just coming to that decision frees up a lot in her chest and there's that similar warmth coming through the Bond.]
Gods. I can't believe I've only been here for a few months... if anyone from home did end up here, they wouldn't even recognize me anymore. You probably already know the kind of person I was back home.
[she can. say it. she can still let herself say it. nothing bad is going to happen if she does. and she's drunk so she can still deny it (but how drunk is she if she can still think like that?) so it's safe. here. it's safe here.]
It feels better than being the bad guy. Even if no one would ever believe me. So I guess that's a start.
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[that one she knows she doesn't mean, and her body slumps backwards and she breaks gaze with Chandra as soon as she says it. it's too far. she's too far. this is why she doesn't drink, things just start coming out a little easier and she always takes it too far.]
Sorry. I didn't mean that. I just. I don't... I don't want you to be right about her... 'cause it's going to hurt so much if you're right. [it hurts way too much now.]
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[Chandra sinks down, pulling Emerald in close.]
But it's okay. We won't know for a long time. And hopefully I am wrong.
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I don't know what to do without her.
[she's a mess. she's terrible. she's fucking nothing.]
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[She's not nothing. And Chandra just holds tight, because poor Em...]
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I'm sorry. I know we're going in circles. I just—
[it's. she stops herself from talking again. she doesn't have to explain herself, does she? wait, does she? shit. no. she doesn't. Chandra knows. of course Chandra already knows.]
Even if you're right, I don't... want to think about it right now. And I know I just said that too but... [she sniffles and buries her head closer.] Gods.
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[Chandra leans down and gently presses her face into the top of Emerald's hair, a weirdly intimate gesture for her...but one she considers important all the same.]
We don't have to talk. We can just sit here.
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[she tries to say "yes" but the word won't form, so she just ends up nodding quietly against Chandra's shoulder and squeezing her a little tighter by way of thanks.]
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Maybe...take a drink. Get some of the alcohol out of your system. I don't want you hung over.
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Thanks. I'm. [she takes another second. puts her hand on her forehead. the first thought that comes to mind is one that takes her a little by surprise even now.] I don't think I could do this without you.
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[Chandra pulls the cup over, and then waves a hand, grabbing a nearby blanket and draping it around Em's shoulders.]
But you wouldn't be as warm as you are with me around.
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Do you take in a lot of strays?
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[Which, as she's sure Emerald has noticed, includes the six or seven half-grown kittens that have been prowling around the house this whole time.]
I only take in people I like.
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Well, I believe it. You wouldn't put up with all of this if you didn't. [and she kind of. stops, and leans against Chandra, just a quiet nudge with the blanket still drawn tight around her body.] Thanks for... having a good heart.
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[Chandra doesn't really know what else to say, so she waggles her fingers to call over the kitten squad and plunks back down, letting the furballs leap up into her lap.]
Sit with me. Let's...just relax and get to know the little ones better, yeah?
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[it takes a long time for the word to come, like Emerald is trying very hard to get it out and come to a real conclusion about what to do next, but. once she says it, everything seems easier. she sits back down and she presses her body up against Chandra and she's still holding the blanket around her body like a cloak, and she just. lets one of the kittens clamber over into her lap and nestle down.]
[and Emerald's hand carefully comes out and starts gently stroking the kitten's fur, and there's peace on her face for a moment. a long moment. she just looks... happy. when her voice starts again, it's still dry, but she already sounds like she's in a better state.]
I always wanted to have a pet. But I never thought I could stay in one place long enough to give one the life it deserved. Even right now I don't think I could.
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[Chandra's very content to let this one lie and not prod too hard. She gets it. The only reason she's adopted this time is because it's cold out and she's very...not cold...]
You can hang out with mine whenever you want. They like you.
[They really do.]
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My roommate disappeared. [she might as well admit that. no harm in it, probably.] And I don't think she's coming back. And the house I have now is really lonely without her. So... is the offer to move in here still on the table?
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[Yeah, it's totally okay. She's totally good with that and Liliana will be too. Emerald isn't exactly intrusive, after all.]
Just let me know when you want to. Then I'll send the golems to help.
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[it might take some time, but. she wants to be here with Chandra. she wants the warmth, she wants the companionship. the cats are cute, too. but it seems like just coming to that decision frees up a lot in her chest and there's that similar warmth coming through the Bond.]
Gods. I can't believe I've only been here for a few months... if anyone from home did end up here, they wouldn't even recognize me anymore. You probably already know the kind of person I was back home.
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[Okay, so she deserves a hug, is what she deserves. So that's happening again.]
A lot of people come from a rough background, and become real heroes.
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[she can. say it. she can still let herself say it. nothing bad is going to happen if she does. and she's drunk so she can still deny it (but how drunk is she if she can still think like that?) so it's safe. here. it's safe here.]
It feels better than being the bad guy. Even if no one would ever believe me. So I guess that's a start.
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[Believe it or not, she heard that from a gorgon.]