[it takes Emerald a second to realize how close Chandra is, but she's listening as intently as she can to every word. it's an offer close to the one Cinder made. steady, reliable work under somebody who can fulfill her every dream. or whatever. she doesn't even know what her own dreams are anymore. because ever since she came here, she hasn't had any that were entirely her own, has she?]
[(she hasn't had dreams all her own for much longer than that.)]
[it's tempting in the moment, but she can't commit that easily. she hasn't been able to make her decisions that simply or quickly in years—and it's not an offer, is it, it's just musing. it's just what-ifs. what-if after what-if. she sighs and turns her head, and blinks a little in surprise when she finally sees how close Chandra's gotten.]
It's a nice gesture. But I don't know if... [she gnaws her lower lip, her red eyes darting away and her head turning slightly back with it.] I don't know if she's actually dead. And I won't unless I go back there, and I won't be able to come back to... what you're offering if I go back and there's nothing but Salem. [she's guessing. it's all a guess. she knows she'll be repeating herself, but. her breath is starting to get shaky again. her eyes close.]
I don't know what to do... and I'm scared. I'm so scared.
[She's. Got a way to make kind of a one way trip. It'll only work once, and only to a specific plane, but that's fine. It's also a bridge that they'll cross when they finish up in this world, and something that's easy to put off. And that's not including Walking to Remnant, checking, then returning.
So, instead of elaborating, she just pulls Emerald into a hug. A real hug. Not this namby-pamby weak ass crap.]
...Just relax, Em. Right now, just...don't worry about it. We've got a long way to go before home is even an option.
[this hug is more than she ever would have gotten before, this hug is real, this hug is something... something she's needed for so long, and she hasn't had time for the alcohol to hit her system yet so she guesses the warmth inside her is just from the feeling of being genuinely, truly cared about. for the first time in so, so long. too long. Emerald's hands shake, and it takes her another couple seconds before she's hugging Chandra back, and her fingers press against her too firmly, too much, she's. she needs this. she needs this so badly.]
[she's pathetic.]
I know. [is she replying to Chandra or herself?] I'm... thinking way too far ahead right now. I need to calm down. [she needs to figure out how to shut everything back down before she starts crying. she sniffs, and it's not a sniffle yet but it's, like, right there.] This is why I don't talk about myself.
[Chandrea curls herself up and around Emerald, trying her best to give the same level of hug that Gideon would have given. She's not nearly so big, but she does try. Emerald needs it, clearly, because she's not had it in a long time...if ever.]
It's fine. We all think ahead, but right now, it's okay to just let it out. I know you're worried, and you're grieving, so you don't have to hold it in, if it'll feel better to get it out.
[it doesn't matter what kind of hug she's getting as long as it's genuine and she doesn't feel like anything Chandra could give would be anything less than that. she's not even drunk yet and she's already spilling shit like this. when she wakes up tomorrow, she's going to regret so much of this. she can already tell.]
It's so stupid. I don't even know if she's gone. I feel like... [sniff. okay. no. she can't keep talking about this or she's going to cry. she just lets the sentence die there, then, and lets herself breathe for... however long it takes. she doesn't know what time is anymore.]
[when she's ready to speak again, her voice doesn't have much more confidence. but there's a little bit more, and that's the important part.]
I thought I wouldn't have to worry about anything ever again as long as I had her. But I just have to... remember how I got by without her before. I made it pretty far without her.
[Chandra decides to try and soothe Em by gently rubbing her hand down her back. Then up, in a quick, slow motion. She's not really understanding just why this is so touchy to Em, but she's not asking questions here. She's just trying to be encouraging, and kind. One of which comes particularly naturally to her, while the other is a little awkward.]
...You did. And, you aren't alone. No matter what, remember that.
[it's the abuse! not that she's gotten far enough away from it yet to realize that. she's just glad she has somebody here to catch her in the middle of this complete fucking breakdown she's having, or she's on the brink of having, or whatever. Chandra's encouragement and kindness and warmth are all helping, even if Chandra herself doesn't think she's very good at them all in equal measure. Emerald exhales, and then again, and she's just breathing after that. focusing on her breathing. imagine a feather and imagine your breath is keeping it afloat.]
I'm not alone. I'm not alone here. I just... don't have the person I was relying on. But that doesn't mean that I don't have anyone. [that's what the Bond is for. that's what friendship is for. she's not alone. breathe. just breathe.]
...Okay. So. I don't really remember what... [sigh.] What I was going to talk to you about anymore.
[gods. this is. so stupid. this whole thing is the past, right? isn't it? even though she's still. living through it like it's the present. that's got to be it, right? or. something. ugh. she leans forward and rests her head in her hands and swears.]
Right now I just want to think about anything that isn't all the crap I'm leaving behind. Maybe we can talk about... good stuff in your life? Or something? [sigh. she turns her head and tries to look curious, but she's just begging for a distraction right now.] What's it like being a planeswalker?
It's...really hard to describe to anyone who isn't a Planeswalker? But I'll try.
[Chandra laughs, because this part is scary.]
It's very liberating, being able to come and go, but the coming and going is...really not fun. The actual act of traveling through the Blind Eternities is the most terrifying thing I've ever felt. It's like being peeled like an onion, and put back together when you land.
It's also super draining. But seeing all those other worlds is amazing.
[somehow that's the part that strikes her first, though, well. everything else kind of catches up with her in a couple seconds.]
Gods, it sounds horrible no matter how many other cool worlds you get to see. How often do you have to do it? Is it part of your everyday thing or is it just kind of an... emergency situation?
The Blind Eternities are the spaces between worlds. You can't really see too much, though. You just kinda have instinct and experience to guide you.
[Hence the name.]
Aaand, it's not an everyday thing? Because it takes a lot of energy. Most I can manage is usually once every twenty four hours. Twice if I push, but I don't like doing that.
Gods. So do you just get some kind of calling or something? Something screaming through the worlds to tell you to be a big damn hero?
[this is. kind of a better line of discussion. it's a good way, sober Emerald will realize, to bring up the idea of heroism without being too obvious about it. (she's so slick. she's so smooth. nobody will suspect a thing.)]
Or are you, like, tracking people, or taking your best guess, or what?
The first time, it's an intuition. The universe pulling me towards it. After I've been to a plane, I can always find it again though.
[But there are some that are like...fuck no...never going back.]
Tracking is a part though, if you're following someone. People leave traces in the Blind Eternities, so it's easy to follow another Planeswalker's trail. Unless they're really good at hiding it.
So you track what, like, evil Planeswalkers? Like that...
[she mutters out "shit" as she tries to remember the name.]
Ermakul? [close enough.] Thing. Gods, you're like an intergalactic superhero or something. D'you just... when the universe calls you, like, how bad news is it? Real bad? Like is it always something you have to seal inside a moon to take care of?
Emrakul. Though that wasn't a Planeswalker, that was something else. Something...wrong. I have dealt with one evil Planeswalker though. Big dumb dragon that's now very dead.
[However...she waves a hand.]
It's not always bad, bad news, sometimes it's just like a feeling that I need to go somewhere. Call to adventure and the like?
[sort of. that's not totally right but it's close enough for her purposes right now. her increasingly inebriated purposes.]
Then someone else who got the call to adventure or whatever decided to kill it to save someone's life. But it didn't work and everything just ended up with... a lot of silver and a couple missing body parts. Everyone still died just like they were supposed to. [there's a pause. she's grateful that it's getting harder to hold on to thoughts right about now, that's for sure.] Don't think I like it. Kinda wish I had the adventure thing instead of the... fighting and killing thing.
[if Em still had anything to drink, she would've choked on it. the words rush out of her mouth at the same time as a half-strangled noise of protest, like she doesn't know what to do first. but she coughs a couple times to recover from it and looks at Chandra like her heart's been broken. but the emotions coming through the Bond don't match. they aren't as intense. there's resignation more than offense.]
She gave me everything, she helped... she saved my life, she gave me a home, she's the reason I have anything right now! I wasn't under her thumb, I was—[shit, how can she save this.]—I am just in a weird place right now, it's not because of anything she did, it's all just. My crap.
So she took you in. And was your sole provider, the only person in the world that was nice to you. But she got you involved in plots that you clearly don't like. And also, she got you roped into whatever is going on with some dark godling. That sounds like an abusive relationship to me, Emerald.
[She holds up a hand to forestall a protest.]
She did that stuff for you but wasn't she getting something out of it? A helper that was totally dependent on her?
[words die again in Emerald's throat while Chandra silently shushes her. and those last questions hit hard, and there's a pit in Emerald's stomach.]
I think I'm gonna be sick.
[but she doesn't look nauseous. she's. got a hand on her forehead, and then both hands on her face, and then she's leaning forward and her heart is pounding in her ears and she's not sure what she's gonna say (muffled by the heels of her palms) until it's already out of her mouth.]
She's not abusive, she's... she isn't, okay, I love her, she can't be... [and her hands fall and she turns her head. and she wants to be mad but she can't summon the fire.] She's not that, Chandra. You don't know her like I do.
I've seen situations like this before. Liliana's been in them. Hell, I've been in them. I'm just saying that maybe you should consider the possibility of telling her no, that you won't kill for her anymore. You just said you don't like it, and that really should be the end of it.
But if... but if I can't do that for her then what good am I?
[that's. oh. mm. when she's sober she's gonna have some problems with that one. she's pretty sure Chandra's about to have a lot of problems with it but she can't stop the words from coming out.]
That's what I do for her. She needs me. I... need her to need me like that.
[that one she knows she doesn't mean, and her body slumps backwards and she breaks gaze with Chandra as soon as she says it. it's too far. she's too far. this is why she doesn't drink, things just start coming out a little easier and she always takes it too far.]
Sorry. I didn't mean that. I just. I don't... I don't want you to be right about her... 'cause it's going to hurt so much if you're right. [it hurts way too much now.]
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[(she hasn't had dreams all her own for much longer than that.)]
[it's tempting in the moment, but she can't commit that easily. she hasn't been able to make her decisions that simply or quickly in years—and it's not an offer, is it, it's just musing. it's just what-ifs. what-if after what-if. she sighs and turns her head, and blinks a little in surprise when she finally sees how close Chandra's gotten.]
It's a nice gesture. But I don't know if... [she gnaws her lower lip, her red eyes darting away and her head turning slightly back with it.] I don't know if she's actually dead. And I won't unless I go back there, and I won't be able to come back to... what you're offering if I go back and there's nothing but Salem. [she's guessing. it's all a guess. she knows she'll be repeating herself, but. her breath is starting to get shaky again. her eyes close.]
I don't know what to do... and I'm scared. I'm so scared.
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[She's. Got a way to make kind of a one way trip. It'll only work once, and only to a specific plane, but that's fine. It's also a bridge that they'll cross when they finish up in this world, and something that's easy to put off. And that's not including Walking to Remnant, checking, then returning.
So, instead of elaborating, she just pulls Emerald into a hug. A real hug. Not this namby-pamby weak ass crap.]
...Just relax, Em. Right now, just...don't worry about it. We've got a long way to go before home is even an option.
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[she's pathetic.]
I know. [is she replying to Chandra or herself?] I'm... thinking way too far ahead right now. I need to calm down. [she needs to figure out how to shut everything back down before she starts crying. she sniffs, and it's not a sniffle yet but it's, like, right there.] This is why I don't talk about myself.
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[Chandrea curls herself up and around Emerald, trying her best to give the same level of hug that Gideon would have given. She's not nearly so big, but she does try. Emerald needs it, clearly, because she's not had it in a long time...if ever.]
It's fine. We all think ahead, but right now, it's okay to just let it out. I know you're worried, and you're grieving, so you don't have to hold it in, if it'll feel better to get it out.
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It's so stupid. I don't even know if she's gone. I feel like... [sniff. okay. no. she can't keep talking about this or she's going to cry. she just lets the sentence die there, then, and lets herself breathe for... however long it takes. she doesn't know what time is anymore.]
[when she's ready to speak again, her voice doesn't have much more confidence. but there's a little bit more, and that's the important part.]
I thought I wouldn't have to worry about anything ever again as long as I had her. But I just have to... remember how I got by without her before. I made it pretty far without her.
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[Chandra decides to try and soothe Em by gently rubbing her hand down her back. Then up, in a quick, slow motion. She's not really understanding just why this is so touchy to Em, but she's not asking questions here. She's just trying to be encouraging, and kind. One of which comes particularly naturally to her, while the other is a little awkward.]
...You did. And, you aren't alone. No matter what, remember that.
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I'm not alone. I'm not alone here. I just... don't have the person I was relying on. But that doesn't mean that I don't have anyone. [that's what the Bond is for. that's what friendship is for. she's not alone. breathe. just breathe.]
...Okay. So. I don't really remember what... [sigh.] What I was going to talk to you about anymore.
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[She finally, finally slides back, a little unsure of what Emerald was going on about. Hadn't they intended to talk about the past? Well...]
...And I don't know. We were going to talk about your past. But you don't have to, if this is too much already.
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[gods. this is. so stupid. this whole thing is the past, right? isn't it? even though she's still. living through it like it's the present. that's got to be it, right? or. something. ugh. she leans forward and rests her head in her hands and swears.]
Right now I just want to think about anything that isn't all the crap I'm leaving behind. Maybe we can talk about... good stuff in your life? Or something? [sigh. she turns her head and tries to look curious, but she's just begging for a distraction right now.] What's it like being a planeswalker?
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[Chandra laughs, because this part is scary.]
It's very liberating, being able to come and go, but the coming and going is...really not fun. The actual act of traveling through the Blind Eternities is the most terrifying thing I've ever felt. It's like being peeled like an onion, and put back together when you land.
It's also super draining. But seeing all those other worlds is amazing.
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[somehow that's the part that strikes her first, though, well. everything else kind of catches up with her in a couple seconds.]
Gods, it sounds horrible no matter how many other cool worlds you get to see. How often do you have to do it? Is it part of your everyday thing or is it just kind of an... emergency situation?
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[Hence the name.]
Aaand, it's not an everyday thing? Because it takes a lot of energy. Most I can manage is usually once every twenty four hours. Twice if I push, but I don't like doing that.
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[this is. kind of a better line of discussion. it's a good way, sober Emerald will realize, to bring up the idea of heroism without being too obvious about it. (she's so slick. she's so smooth. nobody will suspect a thing.)]
Or are you, like, tracking people, or taking your best guess, or what?
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[But there are some that are like...fuck no...never going back.]
Tracking is a part though, if you're following someone. People leave traces in the Blind Eternities, so it's easy to follow another Planeswalker's trail. Unless they're really good at hiding it.
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[she mutters out "shit" as she tries to remember the name.]
Ermakul? [close enough.] Thing. Gods, you're like an intergalactic superhero or something. D'you just... when the universe calls you, like, how bad news is it? Real bad? Like is it always something you have to seal inside a moon to take care of?
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[However...she waves a hand.]
It's not always bad, bad news, sometimes it's just like a feeling that I need to go somewhere. Call to adventure and the like?
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[sort of. that's not totally right but it's close enough for her purposes right now. her increasingly inebriated purposes.]
Then someone else who got the call to adventure or whatever decided to kill it to save someone's life. But it didn't work and everything just ended up with... a lot of silver and a couple missing body parts. Everyone still died just like they were supposed to. [there's a pause. she's grateful that it's getting harder to hold on to thoughts right about now, that's for sure.] Don't think I like it. Kinda wish I had the adventure thing instead of the... fighting and killing thing.
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[She's got dragons, bitch.]
Sounds...kind of like Cinder maybe wasn't the best person.
[Okay that's putting it mildly.]
Maybe it's good that you got out from under her thumb, Em.
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[if Em still had anything to drink, she would've choked on it. the words rush out of her mouth at the same time as a half-strangled noise of protest, like she doesn't know what to do first. but she coughs a couple times to recover from it and looks at Chandra like her heart's been broken. but the emotions coming through the Bond don't match. they aren't as intense. there's resignation more than offense.]
She gave me everything, she helped... she saved my life, she gave me a home, she's the reason I have anything right now! I wasn't under her thumb, I was—[shit, how can she save this.]—I am just in a weird place right now, it's not because of anything she did, it's all just. My crap.
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[She holds up a hand to forestall a protest.]
She did that stuff for you but wasn't she getting something out of it? A helper that was totally dependent on her?
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I think I'm gonna be sick.
[but she doesn't look nauseous. she's. got a hand on her forehead, and then both hands on her face, and then she's leaning forward and her heart is pounding in her ears and she's not sure what she's gonna say (muffled by the heels of her palms) until it's already out of her mouth.]
She's not abusive, she's... she isn't, okay, I love her, she can't be... [and her hands fall and she turns her head. and she wants to be mad but she can't summon the fire.] She's not that, Chandra. You don't know her like I do.
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[Buuuuut, there is always a but.]
However...
[Or a however]
I've seen situations like this before. Liliana's been in them. Hell, I've been in them. I'm just saying that maybe you should consider the possibility of telling her no, that you won't kill for her anymore. You just said you don't like it, and that really should be the end of it.
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[that's. oh. mm. when she's sober she's gonna have some problems with that one. she's pretty sure Chandra's about to have a lot of problems with it but she can't stop the words from coming out.]
That's what I do for her. She needs me. I... need her to need me like that.
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[Chandra is...well, she's not surprised, at least.]
You are good enough to be your own woman. And you don't need anyone who's just using you as a tool.
You're better than that, Em.
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[that one she knows she doesn't mean, and her body slumps backwards and she breaks gaze with Chandra as soon as she says it. it's too far. she's too far. this is why she doesn't drink, things just start coming out a little easier and she always takes it too far.]
Sorry. I didn't mean that. I just. I don't... I don't want you to be right about her... 'cause it's going to hurt so much if you're right. [it hurts way too much now.]
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