[Em cuts herself off. she can't prove it. she doesn't know, but it sounds right. she can feel her eyes going wide and her heart rate going up just thinking about her. just thinking about what happened below the academy. there's a moment where she doesn't do anything but breathe, but it's not peaceful; she's gripping her cup so tightly her hand is starting to shake.]
If Cinder's dead, Yang killed her. I can't... I can't just let that go. I can't just move on past that.
[Chandra looks at Emerald, her eyes cloudy with remembrance. She knows this kind of pain. She knows what it's like to let someone live that hurt, killed, your friend. Your parent. Your people.
But...]
Revenge doesn't bring back the person you lost. It didn't bring back dad. Or the abbot. Or Gids...
[there's. a lot flowing through the Bond right now, but Chandra would have to be blind not to see how any of this is hitting her, and on the basest level Em understands that. she understands below everything else that an eye for an eye isn't going to solve anything and that killing Yang won't bring Cinder back (and that she doesn't like... she doesn't like killing, does she?). but there's. more. and before she runs the risk of trembling so hard that she spills what's left of her drink on the carpet, she slams it down all at once instead and places the cup on the table. maybe if she's drunk, it won't hurt as bad.]
She picked me up off the street, she gave me a reason to live, she... cared about me when nobody else would because I was just this penniless street rat stealing to survive. She took me into her arms and she told me everything was going to be all right and it has been [lying] and I can't just. I can't stand here and let her get away with it. I can't let her... I can't not do anything when she took my entire life from me.
[there's gritting teeth and there's frustration and anger and fear and she knows that if she keeps talking she's going to tear up and she doesn't even know what emotion would be causing that. and she's clenching her fists and she's pressing them against her legs and she can't bring herself to look at Chandra.]
[Chandra says that without any heat behind her words. She picks herself up, sets down her drink, and then moves to sit next to Emerald. Gently, she takes one hand and puts it around Emerald's shoulders in a sisterly gesture, the bond thick with concern.]
She gave you a reason to live, sure. But that doesn't mean that you have to follow her down a road full of bad choices.
[Her voice firms, the sense of resolve that was always in Chandra's bond-sense turns hard, focused.]
She made the choice to get involved with Salem, you told me. She dragged you into a nightmare, and she made the choice to confront an enemy that ultimately killed her. Those choices are clearly not good ones, if she's dead and you're living in fear of a monstrous demigod.
You don't have to try and kill anyone, because you don't want to, deep down. I know that. You've got a choice, to either get out of a quagmire that she put you in, or wind up making bad choices yourself.
[Weirdly, Yang is the one person from Em's world Chandra had met. She seemed nice enough, and not the sort to kill.]
I know what it's like. I...had the chance to kill the man that killed my father. The man that framed me for his death. But...I didn't take it. Because revenge is a choice, and it's not the right one.
[she's quiet. she's quiet for what feels like too long. having the warm touch of someone who actually cares about her is helping Emerald to focus a little more, to come down off the edge of anger and frustration and it's helping her... sort of, maybe come to terms with what the actual issue is. she doesn't say anything for a while, letting Chandra talk and listening to her words and letting her own breathing normalize.]
[and hitch. and she realizes that if she spends too much time listening without saying anything, it's all going to shatter around her like the mirror she walked into this world through. there's a choice to make. there's always a choice to make. and she can say what she's thinking about saying to Chandra but not to Mercury because... why? because she doesn't have anything to prove? because she can't hide anything from Chandra even if she wanted to?]
[maybe because it's already obvious and she's just putting words to it.]
I don't know what to do without her. I don't want to go back if all I have waiting for me is Salem. I'd rather be here forever if I don't have Cinder anymore.
[Chandra can't relate to that. She yearns for freedom, to be clear and free and jumping from place to place. That's when she's always been happiest. And she can't take Emerald with her. Not like that. It won't work, because that's not how Planeswalking works.
But she can't say that.]
I think that you shouldn't go back, if you don't want to.
[She leans in closer, head tilting to the side, studying Emerald's face.]
Maybe when we figure a way off this rock, you go somewhere else. I...know people. I know a world where you'd fit right in, and you could have steady, reliable work. Hell, I know a guy that would hire you right now, if he were here. You've got infiltration skills and he runs one of the biggest spy networks I've ever seen.
[it takes Emerald a second to realize how close Chandra is, but she's listening as intently as she can to every word. it's an offer close to the one Cinder made. steady, reliable work under somebody who can fulfill her every dream. or whatever. she doesn't even know what her own dreams are anymore. because ever since she came here, she hasn't had any that were entirely her own, has she?]
[(she hasn't had dreams all her own for much longer than that.)]
[it's tempting in the moment, but she can't commit that easily. she hasn't been able to make her decisions that simply or quickly in years—and it's not an offer, is it, it's just musing. it's just what-ifs. what-if after what-if. she sighs and turns her head, and blinks a little in surprise when she finally sees how close Chandra's gotten.]
It's a nice gesture. But I don't know if... [she gnaws her lower lip, her red eyes darting away and her head turning slightly back with it.] I don't know if she's actually dead. And I won't unless I go back there, and I won't be able to come back to... what you're offering if I go back and there's nothing but Salem. [she's guessing. it's all a guess. she knows she'll be repeating herself, but. her breath is starting to get shaky again. her eyes close.]
I don't know what to do... and I'm scared. I'm so scared.
[She's. Got a way to make kind of a one way trip. It'll only work once, and only to a specific plane, but that's fine. It's also a bridge that they'll cross when they finish up in this world, and something that's easy to put off. And that's not including Walking to Remnant, checking, then returning.
So, instead of elaborating, she just pulls Emerald into a hug. A real hug. Not this namby-pamby weak ass crap.]
...Just relax, Em. Right now, just...don't worry about it. We've got a long way to go before home is even an option.
[this hug is more than she ever would have gotten before, this hug is real, this hug is something... something she's needed for so long, and she hasn't had time for the alcohol to hit her system yet so she guesses the warmth inside her is just from the feeling of being genuinely, truly cared about. for the first time in so, so long. too long. Emerald's hands shake, and it takes her another couple seconds before she's hugging Chandra back, and her fingers press against her too firmly, too much, she's. she needs this. she needs this so badly.]
[she's pathetic.]
I know. [is she replying to Chandra or herself?] I'm... thinking way too far ahead right now. I need to calm down. [she needs to figure out how to shut everything back down before she starts crying. she sniffs, and it's not a sniffle yet but it's, like, right there.] This is why I don't talk about myself.
[Chandrea curls herself up and around Emerald, trying her best to give the same level of hug that Gideon would have given. She's not nearly so big, but she does try. Emerald needs it, clearly, because she's not had it in a long time...if ever.]
It's fine. We all think ahead, but right now, it's okay to just let it out. I know you're worried, and you're grieving, so you don't have to hold it in, if it'll feel better to get it out.
[it doesn't matter what kind of hug she's getting as long as it's genuine and she doesn't feel like anything Chandra could give would be anything less than that. she's not even drunk yet and she's already spilling shit like this. when she wakes up tomorrow, she's going to regret so much of this. she can already tell.]
It's so stupid. I don't even know if she's gone. I feel like... [sniff. okay. no. she can't keep talking about this or she's going to cry. she just lets the sentence die there, then, and lets herself breathe for... however long it takes. she doesn't know what time is anymore.]
[when she's ready to speak again, her voice doesn't have much more confidence. but there's a little bit more, and that's the important part.]
I thought I wouldn't have to worry about anything ever again as long as I had her. But I just have to... remember how I got by without her before. I made it pretty far without her.
[Chandra decides to try and soothe Em by gently rubbing her hand down her back. Then up, in a quick, slow motion. She's not really understanding just why this is so touchy to Em, but she's not asking questions here. She's just trying to be encouraging, and kind. One of which comes particularly naturally to her, while the other is a little awkward.]
...You did. And, you aren't alone. No matter what, remember that.
[it's the abuse! not that she's gotten far enough away from it yet to realize that. she's just glad she has somebody here to catch her in the middle of this complete fucking breakdown she's having, or she's on the brink of having, or whatever. Chandra's encouragement and kindness and warmth are all helping, even if Chandra herself doesn't think she's very good at them all in equal measure. Emerald exhales, and then again, and she's just breathing after that. focusing on her breathing. imagine a feather and imagine your breath is keeping it afloat.]
I'm not alone. I'm not alone here. I just... don't have the person I was relying on. But that doesn't mean that I don't have anyone. [that's what the Bond is for. that's what friendship is for. she's not alone. breathe. just breathe.]
...Okay. So. I don't really remember what... [sigh.] What I was going to talk to you about anymore.
[gods. this is. so stupid. this whole thing is the past, right? isn't it? even though she's still. living through it like it's the present. that's got to be it, right? or. something. ugh. she leans forward and rests her head in her hands and swears.]
Right now I just want to think about anything that isn't all the crap I'm leaving behind. Maybe we can talk about... good stuff in your life? Or something? [sigh. she turns her head and tries to look curious, but she's just begging for a distraction right now.] What's it like being a planeswalker?
It's...really hard to describe to anyone who isn't a Planeswalker? But I'll try.
[Chandra laughs, because this part is scary.]
It's very liberating, being able to come and go, but the coming and going is...really not fun. The actual act of traveling through the Blind Eternities is the most terrifying thing I've ever felt. It's like being peeled like an onion, and put back together when you land.
It's also super draining. But seeing all those other worlds is amazing.
[somehow that's the part that strikes her first, though, well. everything else kind of catches up with her in a couple seconds.]
Gods, it sounds horrible no matter how many other cool worlds you get to see. How often do you have to do it? Is it part of your everyday thing or is it just kind of an... emergency situation?
The Blind Eternities are the spaces between worlds. You can't really see too much, though. You just kinda have instinct and experience to guide you.
[Hence the name.]
Aaand, it's not an everyday thing? Because it takes a lot of energy. Most I can manage is usually once every twenty four hours. Twice if I push, but I don't like doing that.
Gods. So do you just get some kind of calling or something? Something screaming through the worlds to tell you to be a big damn hero?
[this is. kind of a better line of discussion. it's a good way, sober Emerald will realize, to bring up the idea of heroism without being too obvious about it. (she's so slick. she's so smooth. nobody will suspect a thing.)]
Or are you, like, tracking people, or taking your best guess, or what?
The first time, it's an intuition. The universe pulling me towards it. After I've been to a plane, I can always find it again though.
[But there are some that are like...fuck no...never going back.]
Tracking is a part though, if you're following someone. People leave traces in the Blind Eternities, so it's easy to follow another Planeswalker's trail. Unless they're really good at hiding it.
So you track what, like, evil Planeswalkers? Like that...
[she mutters out "shit" as she tries to remember the name.]
Ermakul? [close enough.] Thing. Gods, you're like an intergalactic superhero or something. D'you just... when the universe calls you, like, how bad news is it? Real bad? Like is it always something you have to seal inside a moon to take care of?
Emrakul. Though that wasn't a Planeswalker, that was something else. Something...wrong. I have dealt with one evil Planeswalker though. Big dumb dragon that's now very dead.
[However...she waves a hand.]
It's not always bad, bad news, sometimes it's just like a feeling that I need to go somewhere. Call to adventure and the like?
[sort of. that's not totally right but it's close enough for her purposes right now. her increasingly inebriated purposes.]
Then someone else who got the call to adventure or whatever decided to kill it to save someone's life. But it didn't work and everything just ended up with... a lot of silver and a couple missing body parts. Everyone still died just like they were supposed to. [there's a pause. she's grateful that it's getting harder to hold on to thoughts right about now, that's for sure.] Don't think I like it. Kinda wish I had the adventure thing instead of the... fighting and killing thing.
[if Em still had anything to drink, she would've choked on it. the words rush out of her mouth at the same time as a half-strangled noise of protest, like she doesn't know what to do first. but she coughs a couple times to recover from it and looks at Chandra like her heart's been broken. but the emotions coming through the Bond don't match. they aren't as intense. there's resignation more than offense.]
She gave me everything, she helped... she saved my life, she gave me a home, she's the reason I have anything right now! I wasn't under her thumb, I was—[shit, how can she save this.]—I am just in a weird place right now, it's not because of anything she did, it's all just. My crap.
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[Em cuts herself off. she can't prove it. she doesn't know, but it sounds right. she can feel her eyes going wide and her heart rate going up just thinking about her. just thinking about what happened below the academy. there's a moment where she doesn't do anything but breathe, but it's not peaceful; she's gripping her cup so tightly her hand is starting to shake.]
If Cinder's dead, Yang killed her. I can't... I can't just let that go. I can't just move on past that.
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[Chandra looks at Emerald, her eyes cloudy with remembrance. She knows this kind of pain. She knows what it's like to let someone live that hurt, killed, your friend. Your parent. Your people.
But...]
Revenge doesn't bring back the person you lost. It didn't bring back dad. Or the abbot. Or Gids...
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[there's. a lot flowing through the Bond right now, but Chandra would have to be blind not to see how any of this is hitting her, and on the basest level Em understands that. she understands below everything else that an eye for an eye isn't going to solve anything and that killing Yang won't bring Cinder back (and that she doesn't like... she doesn't like killing, does she?). but there's. more. and before she runs the risk of trembling so hard that she spills what's left of her drink on the carpet, she slams it down all at once instead and places the cup on the table. maybe if she's drunk, it won't hurt as bad.]
She picked me up off the street, she gave me a reason to live, she... cared about me when nobody else would because I was just this penniless street rat stealing to survive. She took me into her arms and she told me everything was going to be all right and it has been [lying] and I can't just. I can't stand here and let her get away with it. I can't let her... I can't not do anything when she took my entire life from me.
[there's gritting teeth and there's frustration and anger and fear and she knows that if she keeps talking she's going to tear up and she doesn't even know what emotion would be causing that. and she's clenching her fists and she's pressing them against her legs and she can't bring herself to look at Chandra.]
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[Chandra says that without any heat behind her words. She picks herself up, sets down her drink, and then moves to sit next to Emerald. Gently, she takes one hand and puts it around Emerald's shoulders in a sisterly gesture, the bond thick with concern.]
She gave you a reason to live, sure. But that doesn't mean that you have to follow her down a road full of bad choices.
[Her voice firms, the sense of resolve that was always in Chandra's bond-sense turns hard, focused.]
She made the choice to get involved with Salem, you told me. She dragged you into a nightmare, and she made the choice to confront an enemy that ultimately killed her. Those choices are clearly not good ones, if she's dead and you're living in fear of a monstrous demigod.
You don't have to try and kill anyone, because you don't want to, deep down. I know that. You've got a choice, to either get out of a quagmire that she put you in, or wind up making bad choices yourself.
[Weirdly, Yang is the one person from Em's world Chandra had met. She seemed nice enough, and not the sort to kill.]
I know what it's like. I...had the chance to kill the man that killed my father. The man that framed me for his death. But...I didn't take it. Because revenge is a choice, and it's not the right one.
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[and hitch. and she realizes that if she spends too much time listening without saying anything, it's all going to shatter around her like the mirror she walked into this world through. there's a choice to make. there's always a choice to make. and she can say what she's thinking about saying to Chandra but not to Mercury because... why? because she doesn't have anything to prove? because she can't hide anything from Chandra even if she wanted to?]
[maybe because it's already obvious and she's just putting words to it.]
I don't know what to do without her. I don't want to go back if all I have waiting for me is Salem. I'd rather be here forever if I don't have Cinder anymore.
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[Chandra can't relate to that. She yearns for freedom, to be clear and free and jumping from place to place. That's when she's always been happiest. And she can't take Emerald with her. Not like that. It won't work, because that's not how Planeswalking works.
But she can't say that.]
I think that you shouldn't go back, if you don't want to.
[She leans in closer, head tilting to the side, studying Emerald's face.]
Maybe when we figure a way off this rock, you go somewhere else. I...know people. I know a world where you'd fit right in, and you could have steady, reliable work. Hell, I know a guy that would hire you right now, if he were here. You've got infiltration skills and he runs one of the biggest spy networks I've ever seen.
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[(she hasn't had dreams all her own for much longer than that.)]
[it's tempting in the moment, but she can't commit that easily. she hasn't been able to make her decisions that simply or quickly in years—and it's not an offer, is it, it's just musing. it's just what-ifs. what-if after what-if. she sighs and turns her head, and blinks a little in surprise when she finally sees how close Chandra's gotten.]
It's a nice gesture. But I don't know if... [she gnaws her lower lip, her red eyes darting away and her head turning slightly back with it.] I don't know if she's actually dead. And I won't unless I go back there, and I won't be able to come back to... what you're offering if I go back and there's nothing but Salem. [she's guessing. it's all a guess. she knows she'll be repeating herself, but. her breath is starting to get shaky again. her eyes close.]
I don't know what to do... and I'm scared. I'm so scared.
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[She's. Got a way to make kind of a one way trip. It'll only work once, and only to a specific plane, but that's fine. It's also a bridge that they'll cross when they finish up in this world, and something that's easy to put off. And that's not including Walking to Remnant, checking, then returning.
So, instead of elaborating, she just pulls Emerald into a hug. A real hug. Not this namby-pamby weak ass crap.]
...Just relax, Em. Right now, just...don't worry about it. We've got a long way to go before home is even an option.
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[she's pathetic.]
I know. [is she replying to Chandra or herself?] I'm... thinking way too far ahead right now. I need to calm down. [she needs to figure out how to shut everything back down before she starts crying. she sniffs, and it's not a sniffle yet but it's, like, right there.] This is why I don't talk about myself.
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[Chandrea curls herself up and around Emerald, trying her best to give the same level of hug that Gideon would have given. She's not nearly so big, but she does try. Emerald needs it, clearly, because she's not had it in a long time...if ever.]
It's fine. We all think ahead, but right now, it's okay to just let it out. I know you're worried, and you're grieving, so you don't have to hold it in, if it'll feel better to get it out.
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It's so stupid. I don't even know if she's gone. I feel like... [sniff. okay. no. she can't keep talking about this or she's going to cry. she just lets the sentence die there, then, and lets herself breathe for... however long it takes. she doesn't know what time is anymore.]
[when she's ready to speak again, her voice doesn't have much more confidence. but there's a little bit more, and that's the important part.]
I thought I wouldn't have to worry about anything ever again as long as I had her. But I just have to... remember how I got by without her before. I made it pretty far without her.
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[Chandra decides to try and soothe Em by gently rubbing her hand down her back. Then up, in a quick, slow motion. She's not really understanding just why this is so touchy to Em, but she's not asking questions here. She's just trying to be encouraging, and kind. One of which comes particularly naturally to her, while the other is a little awkward.]
...You did. And, you aren't alone. No matter what, remember that.
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I'm not alone. I'm not alone here. I just... don't have the person I was relying on. But that doesn't mean that I don't have anyone. [that's what the Bond is for. that's what friendship is for. she's not alone. breathe. just breathe.]
...Okay. So. I don't really remember what... [sigh.] What I was going to talk to you about anymore.
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[She finally, finally slides back, a little unsure of what Emerald was going on about. Hadn't they intended to talk about the past? Well...]
...And I don't know. We were going to talk about your past. But you don't have to, if this is too much already.
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[gods. this is. so stupid. this whole thing is the past, right? isn't it? even though she's still. living through it like it's the present. that's got to be it, right? or. something. ugh. she leans forward and rests her head in her hands and swears.]
Right now I just want to think about anything that isn't all the crap I'm leaving behind. Maybe we can talk about... good stuff in your life? Or something? [sigh. she turns her head and tries to look curious, but she's just begging for a distraction right now.] What's it like being a planeswalker?
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[Chandra laughs, because this part is scary.]
It's very liberating, being able to come and go, but the coming and going is...really not fun. The actual act of traveling through the Blind Eternities is the most terrifying thing I've ever felt. It's like being peeled like an onion, and put back together when you land.
It's also super draining. But seeing all those other worlds is amazing.
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[somehow that's the part that strikes her first, though, well. everything else kind of catches up with her in a couple seconds.]
Gods, it sounds horrible no matter how many other cool worlds you get to see. How often do you have to do it? Is it part of your everyday thing or is it just kind of an... emergency situation?
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[Hence the name.]
Aaand, it's not an everyday thing? Because it takes a lot of energy. Most I can manage is usually once every twenty four hours. Twice if I push, but I don't like doing that.
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[this is. kind of a better line of discussion. it's a good way, sober Emerald will realize, to bring up the idea of heroism without being too obvious about it. (she's so slick. she's so smooth. nobody will suspect a thing.)]
Or are you, like, tracking people, or taking your best guess, or what?
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[But there are some that are like...fuck no...never going back.]
Tracking is a part though, if you're following someone. People leave traces in the Blind Eternities, so it's easy to follow another Planeswalker's trail. Unless they're really good at hiding it.
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[she mutters out "shit" as she tries to remember the name.]
Ermakul? [close enough.] Thing. Gods, you're like an intergalactic superhero or something. D'you just... when the universe calls you, like, how bad news is it? Real bad? Like is it always something you have to seal inside a moon to take care of?
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[However...she waves a hand.]
It's not always bad, bad news, sometimes it's just like a feeling that I need to go somewhere. Call to adventure and the like?
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[sort of. that's not totally right but it's close enough for her purposes right now. her increasingly inebriated purposes.]
Then someone else who got the call to adventure or whatever decided to kill it to save someone's life. But it didn't work and everything just ended up with... a lot of silver and a couple missing body parts. Everyone still died just like they were supposed to. [there's a pause. she's grateful that it's getting harder to hold on to thoughts right about now, that's for sure.] Don't think I like it. Kinda wish I had the adventure thing instead of the... fighting and killing thing.
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[She's got dragons, bitch.]
Sounds...kind of like Cinder maybe wasn't the best person.
[Okay that's putting it mildly.]
Maybe it's good that you got out from under her thumb, Em.
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[if Em still had anything to drink, she would've choked on it. the words rush out of her mouth at the same time as a half-strangled noise of protest, like she doesn't know what to do first. but she coughs a couple times to recover from it and looks at Chandra like her heart's been broken. but the emotions coming through the Bond don't match. they aren't as intense. there's resignation more than offense.]
She gave me everything, she helped... she saved my life, she gave me a home, she's the reason I have anything right now! I wasn't under her thumb, I was—[shit, how can she save this.]—I am just in a weird place right now, it's not because of anything she did, it's all just. My crap.
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